I was once in a relationship where I never felt quite like myself. I would never speak my mind about certain subjects that I disagreed with because all hell would break loose if I did. So in order to keep the peace in our home. I sat on all of my feelings. Just kept them inside and pretended that all was well.
I have quite a big personality, but strangely I found myself shrinking my personality, again to keep the peace in our home. I was miserable and drained most of the time and felt like everything that was wrong in the relationship was my fault.
If I voiced my opinion or disagreed with my mate about something, my concerns would be totally dismissed. My partner would retaliate with "Well you do things wrong all the time" or "You really don't see all the messed up things that you do, huh?"
Instead of being heard and being able to communicate and express my concerns in a healthy and productive way, my needs were totally ignored and tossed aside.
Because I'm an empath (read my blog...Are You an Empath) and felt the need to "fix" everything, I just tried my best to go with the flow. I was hoping that over time the situation would improve and I could love my way through the damn mess...nope. Didn't work that way.
I felt as though I could never do anything right in the relationship. No matter how much effort that I put into the relationship it was never good enough. It left me feeling like a mere shell of the vibrant, happy, fun loving person that I once was. I totally lost myself trying to keep that damn relationship together.
I consider myself to be a very intelligent, strong and confident woman so I was left thinking how in the whole entire hell did I let this happen to me??
Well here is how it happened. I discovered that I was in a relationship with a narcissist. The person had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (in my opinion).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.
Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.
The disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy.
Narcissistic personality disorder is not curable, but it is treatable. The foundation of treatment will be psychotherapy—often a mixture of individual, group, and family therapies—to help an individual understand the causes of their beliefs and behavior and learn ways of relating to others.
Here are some narcissistic traits:
Lack of empathy. ...Exaggerated sense of self-importance....Feelings of entitlement....Selfishness in relationships....Enviousness and suspicion of other people's motivations....A need for excessive praise and attention....Arrogant and judgmental in attitude.
It wasn't until I was out of the relationship that I realized that I had been with a narcissist.
I know you are wondering...WTH?? Well Imma tell you WTH lol
There are several factors involved with narcissism. I am going to only speak on Love Bombing at the moment to help you to understand how the relationships tend to start.
Love bombing is a narcissist’s secret weapon. Love bombing is the practice of “overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction…designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber.”
On the surface, love bombing sounds good. After all, who wouldn’t want love bombs? But at the heart of love bombing is manipulation.
A narcissist uses it as a way to control you.
You might be wondering: what constitutes love bombing? Love bombing are actions to gain your love and trust. It could be flattery, compliments, romance or promises of the future.
Once they have your trust, they’re in control. A narcissist will manipulate you to get what they want.
They’ll shape your role in the relationship and see you as a supporting cast to the hero (which is them, of course).
If your focus isn’t 100% on the love bombing narcissist, they’ll get angry. They won’t be able to comprehend that you have other things going on in your life.
But here’s the kicker:
Narcissists struggle to maintain mutually beneficial relationships.
In other words, the relationship will only benefit them and over time, you’ll be left in the dark to heal your emotional wounds.
Now here’s the main issue:
It can be really difficult to figure out when it’s happening to you. After all, not everyone that is romantic and sweet is a narcissist.
So, how do you differentiate the genuine expressions of love from the actions of a love bombing narcissist?
With these signs:
Everything is way too quick - A narcissist skilled at love bombing will ramp up the affection fast. Way faster than you’ve experienced before.
It could be the second or third date and they’re already calling you baby, beautiful and constantly showing up with flowers and gifts. Your family and friends will be impressed and tell you that you have found a good one. Within the first few dates, they’ll make you feel like you’re perfect. They might even tell you that you’re the love of the life they’ve been seeking.
They want you to think that they’re the best person you’ve ever dated...Lies! - They will ask you questions about your previous relationships, and try to make your previous lovers look bad - They’re simply reducing your self-worth to a level that you’re manipulated into thinking that you are really lucky to have them.
They’re not direct and they backpedal from what they originally said - The narcissists who love bomb are concerned about how they are appearing. They want to impress you. They are more concerned with how they’re appearing to you rather than actually being themselves. A narcissist doesn’t care about being genuine or authentic. They just want to appear like the perfect partner so they can eventually manipulate you.
They are always giving you gifts...at first - They are trying to buy your love. They want you to feel indebted to them.
They treat other people like crap - Narcissists will be nice to you and then turn right around and treat your waitress like crap.
You’re experiencing a never ending cycle of emotions - you will be on a constant roller coaster. Just when you feel steady and that everything is fine, all hell will break loose...like on a daily basis. This is how narcissist manipulates people.
Now please do not misunderstand me. I was not perfect in that relationship nor was I taken hostage and I take full responsibility for my part in the relationship.
The intent of this post is not to bash, but more to help women who may be in the same situation that I was in to understand what they are truly experiencing.
I had not a clue that there was an "official" term for what I was experiencing until I found a great support group. Thank God!!
It is imperative that we recognize the issue so that we can move on with our healing process. I Said What I Said...
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